The Yarra City Council staffs card-table stalls to promote public transport at places where Yarravites throng of a weekend: the Taste of Slow Festival, Richmond’s Gleadall St Market, etc. Amongst the badly arranged bits of paper with very useless information about walking and public transport are something truly useful to cyclists, a “Travel Smart” map about twice A3 size which folds into just a bit bigger than the largest, oblong, post-it notes. On the back are some really stupid bits to prove it’s created by the government, like this warning: “Walking and cycling, like any physical activity, are potentially hazardous. Use your commonsense [sic.]. Stay within your abilities, wear protective equipment and follow any applicable laws.” But there are more useful bits too, like lists of local bike shops, bike riding groups, train, tram and bus routes, and details of car sharing groups. If you want one — and you do — you can write to Kate Simnett, the Sustainable Transport Officer at simnettk@yarracity.vic.gov.au.It takes in Albert park in the bottom left hand corner and Ivanhoe in the top right, Brunswick in the top left and Glen Iris in the bottom right. Being an inner-city creature with inner-city friends, it’s all the Melway I need, and it folds up to fit snugly in the smallest pocket of my crumpler bag. I suggested to the winsome girl on the other side of the table — much passed by by the throngs in favour of special coffee or special coriander and chilli chutney stalls — that they take matters into their own hands and reverse, for the residents of the City of Yarra, the train people’s decision to scrap those dinky little station-specific timetables the State Government used to be polite enough to dispense. A timetable you can keep in your wallet would make train travel more attractive. But why stop there? Why the hell isn’t there a coffee vendor selling great, cheap coffee at just the right temperature for immediate drinking in mugs to be drunk while you wait in that offensively locked up once-was-waiting-room at Collingwood Station? Wanna get Melbournians on trains? Bribe them with good cheap coffee. In fact, why isn’t there a branch of Lentil As Anything there? Why aren’t there geraniums? Why don’t the coffee crew take responsibility for announcing late trains and say something real like “Two drivers have failed a random drug test and so the 7.31 has been cancelled. Connex is really sorry and the coffee’s on them until the next train?” Why aren’t there “No Ipod” carriages? Why aren’t there “No mobiles” carriages? Why aren’t there “No saying into a mobile ‘I’m on a train'” carriages. I know, the last comment was just grumpy.